These Words from My Parent Which Rescued Me as a New Father

"I believe I was merely in survival mode for a year."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the challenges of being a father.

However the reality quickly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a public seat, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward words "You're not in a good spot. You require assistance. In what way can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and start recovering.

His story is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although society is now more comfortable discussing the stress on mums and about PND, less is said about the difficulties new fathers go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a broader failure to communicate between men, who still absorb negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a show of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the space to request a break - taking a short trip away, outside of the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he required a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings alongside the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "terrible decisions" when younger to change how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you feel swamped, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and if you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mind is faring.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that asking for help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the best way you can look after your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having been out of touch with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their pain, transformed how they communicate, and learned to control themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I believe my purpose is to guide and direct you on life, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are on this path."